Orphaned

"I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you." -Jesus (John 14:18)

I know I'm not the only one. Is anyone else out there who literally left everything to follow Jesus? I left my family, my house, and most of my belongings and packed things up into a math teacher's minivan and went to her apartment while she called DCF. Other brothers and sisters in Christ gave me hiding places from the police while we waited for them to figure out what was actually happening.

My already chaotic life became even more chaotic as I went from house to house, living in poverty for the next few years and working full-time in high school, only getting enough food and sleep to physically survive. I gave up a family, a home, and my academic success in order to follow Christ. In order to become a part of the family of God, I literally became an orphan.

I have been extremely blessed because of this decision, and I gained a huge family that spans the whole world. Sometimes, though, in spite of the amount of people who helped me, I am reminded that I am still an orphan. People in the church sometimes judge me for it. I hide my insecurities with a strong face, because if I don't and there arises some problem in my life, people assume it's my fault because I was abused. I keep people at a distance because I've learned to be extremely independent, self-sufficient, and untrusting. I have no idea how to interact with people or express my feelings because I was simply never taught how, and this affects my relationships with my new family. Although God has lifted me out of my depression, sometimes I still ruminate on death because I perceive life on earth to be extremely dark. More than anything, though, I have a new Father whom I can't reach out and touch. Every piece of my soul looks heavenward and hopes Jesus will return soon, but God makes us wait.

This frustration isn't remotely un-addressed in the Bible. If you don't believe me, read Job 24, Philippians 1, and a good half of the Psalms, in addition to a bunch of passages in the major and minor prophets.

But he says he will not leave us as orphans. He will come to us. He will rescue us. Eternity in heaven will be happy. This is a huge encouragement to me. Isn't it to you as well? Instead of forgetting what is important, can we "fix our eyes on things above" (Col. 3:2) and look forward to his coming together? Can we work together until he comes, since we are all waiting for the same thing? Goodness forbid, can we actually start evangelizing so that others can have the same heavenly family we have?

Some of us are orphans right now because we've chosen Jesus over our families, our friends, our careers, and our very lives. But take heart. He won't leave us that way.

28 Peter said to him, "We have left all we had to follow you!" 29 "I tell you the truth," Jesus said to them, "no one who has left home or wife or brothers or parents or children for the sake of the kingdom of God 30 will fail to receive many times as much in this age and, in the age to come, eternal life." (Luke 18:28-30)

Le sigh...

She began an orphan...

Such faith in the future...

Such kindness (he witnesses her give money to a beggar) when she had every reason to be bitter.

Such trust, when she had every reason not to...

Such love, when she had seen so much hate...

And this dress! (It looks just like my wedding dress, so I'm biased. Puff sleeves are back in. You heard it here first!) 

I just love this girl. If she were real, we would be BFFs, and us and Cinderella could get together for tea and talk about our pasts.

You haven't seen Les Miserables, you say? And you're a Christian, too? Hie thee to a theater! Or get it on DVD. That works, too.

Is There Magic in Music?

There is nothing like seeing a live performance by professional musicians. The notes seem to flow effortlessly from the instrument (or voice) with the utmost expression and feeling. There seems to be a, well, magic to it.

A lot of people erroneously think that musicians are exceptionally emotional people because of this, but that can't be further from the truth. Personally speaking, I love music, but more on an intellectual level than an emotional one. When people attend a performance, they only see the tip of the iceberg: one or two hours out of many spent preparing the same program. What people don't see are the long practice hours, months of sessions with frustrated private teachers, rehearsals, scales and arpeggios, back pain, embarrassing mistakes, and laborious attention given to each individual note in order to make it sound expressive. Add rehearsed facial expressions and staging and people will think you're "feeling the music."

Although music itself could be considered magical, here's not really anything magical about making music. But the audience doesn't—shouldn't—know that. It seems like the goal of a polished performance is to make the music look easy, naturally emanating from the musicians like the use of a limb—something you don't think about. A good performer will leave the audience with the impression that the only explanation for such a spectacular performance is sheer talent gifted by God from birth. They'll leave thinking they'll never be able to do that, and that there's something special about a musician who can. There's not. While there is much to be said about talent, talent is nothing without hard work. In short, someone with sheer talent cannot be a good performer.

So paradoxically, in order for the music I play to sound more effortless, I have to put in more hours of practice in. Practicing the violin is a huge chunk of my life. It can take half the day sometimes, and it often requires me giving up other things in order to prioritize practicing 3-5 hours daily even when there isn't a performance coming up. Nobody just gets up on stage and nails it. Nobody is born with the ability to do that. But a good musician brings to the stage a combination of preparation and presence that acts as a sort of fairy dust.

So is it magic? Well. I suppose a good wizard must be skilled with his spells. And that makes great performances even more amazing (and makes me feel like Neville Longbottom waving around a wand)!

Authenticity in Evangelism

When I first became a Christian as a junior in high school, I was led to believe that being a Christian was all about being loud and crazy, and laughing at everything (whether it was funny or not) in order to be more likable to people who don't believe. But Christianity is never about being something you're not. It's about being who God created you to be and living out your unique purpose—whatever that is. I don't think an authentic God would have looked too kindly on my being fake, nor would I have enjoyed being a hypocrite when I probably have hidden traits that can be used very effectively in the expansion of the kingdom.

People may call me a rogue or a nonconformist, but forgive me if I think that the scope of what I'm called to be as a Christian is broader than pretending it's the zombie apocalypse.

Braaaains.

(Ok, you're probably wondering if I'm crazy. It's a game you play on college campuses called Humans vs. Zombies.)

These things have merit and there is a time for them, but I could never use them as a primary method of evangelism. Some of the things we did in college were fun, but constantly being extraverted felt forced. I could reach people much better by visiting them in the hospital, befriending them while they were alone on the street, or having a heart-to-heart over tea. There need to be other ways I can show that I care. Yet I was taught it was wrong to waste time on community service when I could be evangelizing (a classic example given was "feeding the homeless," but let me tell you, when I was what they call "needy," food could have won me a best friend!) Isn't evangelism the point of showing Christ's love to people? Shouldn't merit be given to evangelistic "activities" and talents that don't fit the organizational or institutional mold?

It's important to allow our identities to be used to share the gospel message instead of letting a church attribute an identity—and an evangelism method—to us. The Apostle Paul went to the synagogues because he understood Jews, and to the Greeks because he was a Roman citizen. As for me, I enjoy talking to religious people and people who are psychologically "abnormal" and unique (in any way). But these people aren't the target of campus ministry and probably wouldn't fit in very well due to the strict strategy used, so we must be very careful that God's plan to reach the world (which includes unique people) isn't inadvertently foregone for an organized plan. We need individuals to reach people no one else can. In order for the kingdom to grow in a healthy way that is inclusive of all people instead of just one type, we need to be authentic.

How can your identity (or your identities) be used to advance the kingdom?

Outright Racism from the Florida Public School System

It's all fun and games when it's just some study in evolutionary psychology coming out that calls black people inferior. This time, however, racism has actually become a policy in the Florida Education System.

Florida Passes Plan for Racially-Based Academic Goals

The Florida State Board of Education passed a plan that sets goals for students in math and reading based upon their race.

On Tuesday, the board passed a revised strategic plan that says that by 2018, it wants 90 percent of Asian students, 88 percent of white students, 81 percent of Hispanics and 74 percent of black students to be reading at or above grade level. For math, the goals are 92 percent of Asian kids to be proficient, whites at 86 percent, Hispanics at 80 percent and blacks at 74 percent. It also measures by other groupings, such as poverty and disabilities, reported the Palm Beach Post.

It's no secret that Florida is desperate for higher-performing students (we're one of the worst school systems in the nation), but you would think people would figure out by now that more from Tallahassee does not effect more from the classroom. It will be interesting to see how this goes over in the long run. It's like the definition of insanity over here.

Public schools are meant to provide an equal opportunity for all children to get a leg up in the world. While some wealthier kids get extra advantages through their parents, kids who are poor, and/or abused, and/or come from families that are apathetic toward or outright discourage education should still be able to succeed. In public school, all children are—or should be—equal. (FYI—I was all of the above.) This measure declares kids unequal, not just because of the disadvantages I listed above, but also because of skin color.

I think we should be upset. Intelligent African-American and Hispanic children already deal with enough from their peers. Why steal away from them the one institution that should encourage them to build and develop their talents by the merit system? (Actually, I feel worse for the Asians than for any other group because of the expectations that are placed on them because somebody decided that Asians are stereotypically smart. What if some kid isn't?)

The primary problem here is that kids are being measured against each other instead of being challenged to do better than they individually have before. The school system sees children in terms of groups and classifications, not as individuals. That is why education in Florida is failing and will continue to fail with more initiatives like this. On the most basic level, kids want to be treated like individuals. Why else do parents seek out small class sizes and teachers who give one-on-one attention? Why do kids hate uniforms? Why do kids hate to be misunderstood by adults who don't know them and want to express themselves with their choices in clothing, music, and clubs? Hello. It's because they know that grouping them together like this is harmful to their development. They need to be challenged to grow individually. But that's too much work.

The Florida public school system disappoints me yet again.

CATcerto! Best Composition Project Ever

via Ain't Baroque

Human creativity never ceases to both amaze and amuse me. Lithuanian composer Mindaugas Piečaitis wrote a beautiful accompaniment to none other than a cat playing the piano, and it sounds amazing. See (and hear) for yourself!



"I rubatos...and then I tail flicks!"

Why Do You Believe?

Whenever I try to put into words why I believe what I believe, there are all these reasons that first come to mind that I think I should say. They usually have to do either with my life being full of sin before Jesus gave me a new life, or feeling depressed and empty before God gave me a family and healed me of the emotional wounds that were caused by my crazy testimony. 

Both of those things are true and have tons of value as far as giving God the glory for where I am today. I mean, it's hugely important. Without Jesus being in my life, I wouldn't just be spiritually dead—I might have also been physically dead as a result of suicide. My condition was serious. God rescued me. I did not have the power to rescue myself. But sometimes when I try to word this adequately to someone who is curious, I have to try to avoid making it sound like I'm selling something. Using clichés will usually do that. I don't want to make it sound like, "Here are all the things Jesus did for me; now experience what he can do for you!" like a relationship with God is a one-way street. God is not a silver bullet diet pill. He's not a "crutch" or Magic 8-Ball or a vending machine. He is a Person, and the reason he helps us is because he loves us.

I want to give glory to God for all he has done for me because I believe it is his due, but sometimes I fear that people will get the idea that if they weren't abused as a child like me or was homeless or went to jail, that they can't have a strong relationship with Jesus. What I'm trying to say is that there are many reasons why I believe, and the two I gave above are among them, but they are not the primary reason.

There is a reason—the reason—behind why I believe, and I always have such a hard time trying to articulate it. I'll try here. Are you ready?

It's that God is who he is, and because I understand him as such, I am inclined to love him. Really, that's it! But what does that mean, to love God? Well, my greatest desire is to honor and obey him, and eventually spend eternity in his presence—for real, not just as a distant longing. When given the question of whether or not God exists, I want to err on the side of wholeheartedly obeying him even when there was no proof, because I think my faith in that regard will make him happy and proud. More than anything, I believe that reverence and worship are due him because of his greatness, so obedience should be a given. Something deep inside of me senses that there is a Supreme Ruler of the Universe and knows exactly what to do with that. He just...is, because he created everything. I think many of us also feel that and also struggle with articulating and understanding it.

When Moses asked God for a name to tell Pharaoh who had sent him, he replied, "I am who I am." It's simple and complex enough! God is too great to be described in human terms. Similarly, I wonder if, when Jesus cried "Abba, Father"—translated "Father, Father" in two different languages—in the Garden of Gethsemane, that he was trying to express a relationship that earth didn't have a word for. He just is, and he is greater than anything we can see and know, because logic dictates that he cannot be anything less if he is really God. And to me, that makes sense. Now, how much greater that God came down from heaven to make himself understood to us and stoops down to help us in our darkest moments! What a God this is!

Why do you believe?